Free
What does it mean to be free?
Free
1. adjective:
not under the control or in the power of another; able to act or be done as one wishes.
Free to me, is one of the most liberating feelings there is. For a long time my best friend would say and describe this word while telling me about her healing journey. I didn't understand it.
Unfortunately, it was something I had to learn after allowing myself to slip into a very dark place.
Let's talk about that dark place. How did I get there? It started with a lack of self love and Co-dependency. Those two go hand in hand.
What is co-dependency?
Codependency
co·de·pend·en·cy
noun: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.
Here is a definition from Wikipedia…
Codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.
In it’s simplest terms, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed. I'm not talking about just being clingy either. I'm talking about sacrificing your everything and who you are to please the other person out of fear of being alone and out of need to be needed.
Your self worth and validation is dependent on them. The person who your sacrificing for will most likely enjoy this. You can be caught in a very unhealthy cycle.
Co-dependency can be a relationship with a family member, a spouse or even a friend.
Have you ever thought to yourself, "My feelings don't matter." Do you find yourself not expressing your desires and needs? Do your hobbies, friendships, values, dreams and identity take a back burner in a relationship? Do you ignore your own wants and dreams because you feel guilty thinking about yourself? Do you spend your time going above and beyond to please another person? Do you ignore your own morals to please another's wants?
I’ll share a few things I felt and did when I was a co-dependent.
I found myself on a rollercoaster I could not get off of.
The cycle was wearing me down with low self-esteem, anxiety, health issues and I was allowing myself to be disrespected and abused. Now read that again. I was "allowing" myself .....
I was addicted to the person. I made the decision to allow this to happen and continue. I remember saying I'm nothing without you. I remember thinking I won't be able to survive without him.
While I was researching this topic I came across "Recovery Connection." They help people who struggle with addiction. You will find codependency is very common in relationships where addiction is a problem.
They posted these questions…
Do you avoid confrontation?
Do you neglect your needs to attend to another’s first?
Do you accept verbal or physical abuse by others?
Do take responsibility for the actions of others?
Do you feel shame when others make mistakes?
Do you do more than your share at work, at home or in organizations?
Do you ask for help?
Do you need others’ validation to feel good about yourself?
Do you think everyone’s feelings are more important than your own?
Do you suffer from low self-esteem?
Ask yourself those questions?
My answer was yes to all of them.
When I was in that dark place and imprisioned in my own destruction of codependency I felt trapped and strapped down tightly to that rollercoaster. It would be safe to say I even became addicted to the drama and adrenaline that came with the highs and lows and loops.
What do you do to get off the ride? I can't say it enough, it starts with self love and awareness. Becoming aware of your behavior and then doing different because you love yourself and know it's unhealthy.
What can you do different?
When I started doing different I was able to grasp what my best friend meant by free. I was able to unlock the seat belt and step off the rollercoaster.
I found myself standing grounded but my soul felt free. You know when you first step off a roller coaster your stomach is uneasy and you might even feel a little dizzy but excited still? That's how I felt.
I had to slowly learn how to detach and it did feel uneasy at first. At times I felt my head was spinning with uncertainty because putting myself first felt so foreign. I felt excited to get to know me but I also felt scared and kept thinking maybe I should get back in line to get on that rollercoaster again. Sometimes I would go for another ride. That was ok.
It was part of the process. I will tell you though the rides became shorter and shorter because I had felt freedom. I had felt what being free was. My friend told me once you really feel it you can never go back. It's so true. Once you love yourself enough to put you first you will never be under the control of someone else.
Imagine yourself running through the amusement park with your hands up and the breeze softly hitting your face and hair as you smile and laugh like a little child. You can go anywhere, play any game you want and have no restraints to what your going to do. Your surrounded by friends who want to be by your side and don't expect you to carry them. You have no attachments to others. Everyone is their own. You belong to you.
That people is free.
Remember, you can skip the darkness I had to endure and run toward the light today.
Your worth it.
Mande