Written by Mande Nantkes
I’m sitting in my car on a road trip to Arizona. I found myself pondering on many things. For starters, the odd weather we have gone through. We started off in sunny Colorado. The morning weather really felt like summer. The birds were chirping and the sun rays felt strong but gentle in warmth on my face.
Then, as we entered Albuquerque New Mexico it started to rain. It was a light rain. It smelled refreshing coming through the air vents. It smelled crisp and clean. It felt like Spring.
To my surprise we then hit snow 20 miles outside of the Arizona boarder. It was wet and light. It was sticking slightly on the desert landscape. It felt like a Colorado winter.
I also caught myself staring out the window seeing old abandoned farms and homes. If I had it my way, I’d stop and wander around the land and try to learn about who lived there. I’d want to know their story and roots. I would want to find clues to when they arrived and why they chose such a isolated area, close to nothing.
We went through many small towns where the population was probably less then a hundred people. I again caught myself wanting to know the story of the land and people.
People intrigue me. People confuse me. People astonish me. People excite me. I love people-all of them. I want to know what drives them. What hurts them. What is going through their minds. I want to know the experiences that have shaped them. I want to know their secrets and their accomplishments. I wish I could climb into their bodies for just a day or so. This would offer me empathy, understanding and wisdom.
We took an alternate road then we usually do to skip some bad weather. Interesting that in this journey of life we can make split second decisions that can effect what road we take.
This year, I caught myself making a split second decision that affected my road. I felt as if I was caught in between seasons and internally having an argument with myself about what road to take.
I was confused about my beliefs and also saw that my leveling up was forcing me to not be able to connect to people I had in my life for a long period of time. I wanted back in the box. The box of conditions felt more comfortable. I felt like an outsider with my new found beliefs, morals and values. I also found myself somewhere between the winter feeling and the summer feeling. I felt wet and heavy but also playful. It was confusing. I wanted to drop into my maiden Goddess as I was entering into the crone. I felt too serious like winter feels to me. When driving in snow I feel white knuckled. I feel worried. I also feel trapped sometimes in my home. I wanted to feel how summer makes me feel.
It feels exciting, more emotionally stable and free.
In that second I made a decision to pick up a drink after almost twelve years of sobriety. Why? To dummie myself down. To stop thinking so seriously. To be able to tolerate the asleep. To feel less uptight. To stop the pain of the lies in the world. To feel less. To numb myself to the deceit of our government. To block my heart from the Pain of watching Russia destroy Ukraine. I drank to stop the gaslighting I have endured from boiling my blood. I drank to celebrate and cry over my daughter going off to college. I drank to leave the unknown I had been discovering through amazing podcast guests. I drank to cover frustrations. I drank to melt into my environment with not overthinking. I drank to disappear. I drank to reconnect with those I was afraid to loose.
When you choose to pick up AGAIN it is no longer considered a disease. It’s considered a choice.
So that choice led me to this place we’re driving through now. It looks like African desert land with no help in sight. If the car were to break down or we were to run out of gas I would be stranded. No water, no food and just dry land with small trees here and there. I found myself more confused, disconnected and trapped then I ever have in my life. I went to three detoxes and landed in an IOP.
For those who don’t know that stands for intense out patient. The alcohol only elevated my downfall. It poisoned my truth. It welted my wings I had so gracefully grown. It put acid on my cells. It caused me mental murkiness. It infected my blood. It left me hopeless and in complete despair and shame.
The good news is I have no shame in asking for help. Just as I would if my car broke down. I’d eagerly flag down cars and even scream for them to stop if I had to. Why? Because I know my life is worth living. I also know God makes no mistakes. So I was exactly where I needed to be. I was back starting over in my recovery and my awakening.
The good news is I didn’t lose my years of sobriety before and I didn’t lose the knowledge and wisdom I had learned in my awakening previously. I also met some people who I would have never met if I did not relapse. They shared their stories, their roots, the towns they grew up in, the experiences that shaped them and their secrets. We all connected through our pain.
I also learned that recovery is evolving. Recovery to my surprise was leaning into many of the teachings and practices Shanna and I speak of on Sense of Soul. This gave me confidence that I was on the right track before I picked up that drink. It gave me the knowing that all I was doubting was truth and that it was ok for me stray away from old ideas, beliefs, ways of life, institutions and people.
My relapse was another awakening. It realigned me with my purpose. I’m so grateful for it. It was painful and I know very hard for my best friend Shanna to watch. I’m so lucky she was there to pick up the pieces of Sense of Soul and continue our legacy.
So with seasons, different paths, different people and new landscapes comes growth.
This year was a year of growth. It can be seen as a set back but I choose to see it as setting forth.
Shanna was a lucky bitch and experienced the light wisdom side of Sophia mostly and I jokingly told her I must have been experiencing the dark side of her. I looked into the lake and saw what I thought was a lighter side of myself and it was deceit. I fell into lower dimensions as Sophia did. It’s a place I never want to go back to but if I have to I know there is a beautiful reason.
So on this road trip I leave you with this…. New Years Eve is a great reset. Yes the calendar says we are starting a new year. We will experience seasons and new paths. BUT the reality is we can do that anytime of the year. We can make that choice any day. We don’t need a Holiday to inspire us. Do it now. Take new roads, visit new landscapes, Ask for help , Learn more about others, share your story, Do it fearless. Make everyday a New Year. A reset. Everyday try to be a tad better. That’s all we can do on this road trip though life.
Cheers (with coffee)
To what’s to come ….
Love you
Mande
