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The Pain Body
In Eckhart Tolle’s book New Earth Awakening to your Life’s Purpose, he writes about an unconscious mental state of where unprocessed emotions when triggered, can suddenly awaken in a person.
Eckhart Tolle calls this the “pain body”. He explains that the pain body is part of the ego, and when the pain body is active in us, this can look like a really bad mood, the emotions deeply inside surfacing, and projecting onto others.
The pain body will continue to thrive as long as it is feed. It lives through the attention and interaction with others, as well as self destructive behaviors.
The pain body’s birth could be as old as its roots coming from your ancestors through dna. I never had a name for this but have discovered this to be true within myself during my ancestral healing, as well as with some of my Reiki clients. For many it is old energy, scars from childhood abuse or neglect, unprocessed grief, for example.
I love that Eckhart Tolle named this unpredictable behavior the “pain body”, it allows one to separate it from our true self. Which is exactly his idea of how to rid of the pain body. Having the awareness of the ego, shadow self or pain body whatever you choose to call this unconscious negative energy within and awaken to recognizing this in others. This is a great way to identify true emotional pain in a person vs their true self, the ego vs soul.
When dealing with another's pain coming out in an unhealthy way, we should not feed the pain body but starve it, by never interacting with it.
Since I have become aware of this, I have been able to see this in others as well as myself. There are many ways we feed the pain, picking a fight, isolation, drug and alcohol abuse, even reading, watching or listening to forms of media that is full of violence, trauma and pain.
I’ll never forget the day I met my pain body. Over a few months, this awareness had been very helpful in my relationships. As I identified the presence of the pain body in others, I learned to see the pain and not the person.
My reaction to the the pain is different now, my feeling towards the person can come from a place of compassion. I choose not to interact or feed the pain and detach with love until the pain body fades away.
I have since learned to identify when my own pain body is present. I sit with it, exam, where does this come from? Where, why and what is causing this pain?
I have begun to process past wounds I never even knew existed deep within myself. I have noticed that sometimes this pain comes out in force, only realizing afterwards. However I have become so much more aware.
This awareness has allowed me, to take responsibility almost immediately for my own pain body. I am gaining control daily, with new realizations of how I feed my pain body, and how pain has held me hostage for years.
The key is awareness, you must become the awareness of your thoughts and reactions. If you and your partner, or anyone your in a relationship with can understand this together, it can be helpful that when you identify the others pain body surfacing you can help them to see this.
However this can only work prior to the pain becoming fully present, Eckhart suggests that once the pain has fully emerged, to not interact with it, to starve the the pain body.
This is very similar to Carl Jungs “shadow work”.
You can say “not mine” and just push it down and out, but where does it go?
You sure it’s not yours?
Use discernment!
How does it make you feel?
Identify the attached emotion…
Connect with the underlying “cause” of the unprocessed emotion…
I believe this is what creates the shadow self and the pain body.
However, even the good stuff, for example, telling a child they don’t see anything, when the think they see an aura, just dimming their light.
These are unconscious associations of the ego. Others cannot make us feel, those feelings are within us. That’s why always being the witness of your emotions and sitting with, the what how and why.. can be huge.
Take inventory:
Be witness of your thoughts…
What aspects of yourself have you kept hidden?
Identify your negative brain chatter?
What traumas and situations from childhood or thereafter have you avoided, neglected, rejected, repressed, pushed down deep inside?
Beware of the energy vampires, needing to refuel on the energy of others. I have witnessed the pain in others for years, the angry alcoholic that drinks there pain away, only to have it come back day after day. Now looking for any reason to reflect their pain into another, because inside it hurts so bad, and if someone is willing to take it, the they will be happy to give it. In doing so you are now only feeding it and it is in ones nature to attach to those who feed us.
When you become conscious to this pain or shadow self, “pause”, become present, become the awareness. This will give you the power, control and space for you to process and you can then choose how to react. Master this, and you will set yourself free!
You will free yourself from allowing another to control you emotions. Taking back this self control is great self empowerment. Stop being a prisoner to your unconscious pain and worse someone else’s.
-Shanna
Recovery
November 22, 2010
Alcohol,
Wow what a long twisted relationship we have been in.
When we first met I became friends with you because I thought it was cool. You made me feel warm and fuzzy and wild and I had lots of fun with you. Then once in a while you turned on me and caused me to be sick. I didn’t let go of you because I still really liked you. It seemed the more we hung out the closer we got. Then the consequences of hanging out with you to much really started to show. You started affecting my relationships my job my attitude my behaviors my morals and my values my believes and my health. I asked you numerous times to please leave but then I missed you and would let you back into my life. Each time I let you back in you would treat me worse and worse.
My children and my husband hated that I hung out with you so I had to lie to them when I did and hide you all over the house. Whenever I was with you no one wanted to be around us. You made me dishonest and manipulative and took away my sense of self and my self love. You made me turn my back on God and filled me with sin.
I hate you and I wish I never met you. You have destroyed my life and I never want to see you again. I hate what you do to people and I wish you would vanish from earth. You are my devil. Just know you did not win. You did not kill me like you wanted to.
I won.
From this day forward I will never touch you, hang out with you or set eyes on you. I have my life back, my self-esteem back, my family and friends back, my relationship with God back and most importantly my soul back. I will do whatever it takes to keep you out of my life forever! Goodbye alcohol!!!
Mande
“Mande is an inspiration to so many she is a perfect example of making your mess your message and to never give up. She is living proof that the greater the purpose, the harder the climb!”
-Shanna
Resources
Often someone who is abusing alcohol will also display the following signs and become:
Insecure.
Sensitive.
Impulsive.
Impatient.
Secretive.
Defensive.
Manipulative.
Easily aggravated.
Seek HELP, you’re not alone!
Find your local meetings
Alcoholics Anonymous
https://www.aa.org/
Narcotics Anonymous
http://m.na.org
Al-Anon
https://al-anon.org/
Detox and Wellness centers
We had on Dr. Hemphill on Sense of Soul Podcast, he is the Chief Clinical Officer at All Points North, a Colorado wellness and personal development center. APN offers a unique virtual therapy programs allowing therapists to see clients in real-time in their recurring environments. Hear from Dr. Hemphill on our podcast, and his Recovery Unscripted.
The Spiritual Disconnect of Alcoholism
https://sobernation.com/the-spiritual-disconnect-of-alcohol-2/
SAMHSA
SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357) SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/ national-helpline
Drug Helpline
Drughelpline.org offers 24/7 drug and alcohol help to those struggling with addiction. Call our national hotline for drug abuse help today. You can receive information regarding treatment and recovery.
CALL 1-844-289-0879
American Addiction Centers
Addiction is a devastating disease, not only for the person addicted to drugs or alcohol, but also for their family and friends. Deciding to get help by calling a drug and alcohol hotline can give you the encouragement and motivation you need to take the next step to treatment.
Call (888) 346-6802
PalmerLakeRecovery.com
A free web resource that provides information about addiction, eating disorders, and mental health issues.
Alcohol addiction affects millions directly and indirectly, so it is imperative that people understand what makes alcohol so problematic, how to identify problematic drinking, and how to access services for those in need.
We created guides detailing the effects of alcohol abuse and how it can affect not only the person using it, but their loved ones as well to help those who may be struggling with these issues.
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/
https://www.palmerlakerecovery.com/alcohol-abuse-and-addiction/
Books to Read
The Big Book AA
Daily Reflections
Living Sober
Courage to Change
One day at a time in Alanon
Boundaries
Alanon Works
Alateen
Detaching with Love
You’re not Alone
Many people quietly live with the pain for their loved ones who struggle with addiction.
This can even apply to those who have a loved one with mental illness. Often the focus is more on the one who is lost in sickness and addiction than of the one who loves them. The mother, father, child, sibling, spouse, friend, enabler, the codependent whatever the relationship, comes with many burdens, sleepless nights, worry, stress and sadness.
Important structures of a healthy relationship are damaged as well as self image, trust and self worth. No one can escape hard times, we all have them, everyone makes mistakes, which we can learn from and grow.
However done over and over they’re no longer mistakes they become choices. No growth happens here, stuck in a loop going no where. We allow, enable or ignore out of ignorance, security, fear and control.
Where your attention goes, energy flows. This quote is strong and true. Indeed if you spend all of your energy and time worrying about someone else’s issues, they are now yours as well. But at what cost will you carry the weight of others? Will you sell your soul?
you cannot save people you can only love them
In my experience as a light worker, I find that most of us are carrying other peoples energy. We are polluted with someone else’s shit! I have also found that we tend to fill up on others good energy as well. Energy vampires! We are carrying so much of others energy that there is little space for our own. Leaving you feeling unbalanced, fatigued, insecure, powerless, stressed, even physically sick and in pain.
Now you have become as sick as the addict. They are suffering. Know this, when you are upset with them and their pain comes out as anger towards you, this is suffering within themselves.
There is nothing you can tell an addict that they haven’t already told themselves over and over and over. When you are in the middle of this dysfunctional loop, you can find yourself just as lost, you too can lose your soul. You will find that if your able to shift your focus onto your own energy, in the space you've now created within is now compassion that you have for others who are in pain.
This is a great podcast that I (Shanna) listen to when I’m struggling with finding that compassion or empathy, check it out! https://loveoveraddiction.com/
What can you do?
First you need to know that you do not have the power to change another? We were born with “free will”, you cannot heal or save them. Even I have to correct myself at times describing myself as a energy “healer”, true healing takes place within, I give energy assistance. There’s no amount a love you can give to someone that can make them change. It is best for us to be in our own suffering and allow others the same. It's within the suffering, that we grow.
Secondly you need to understand that each of us have our own journey and purpose. You must be able to separate yourself, your “soul” from another’s soul. You gave physical life to your child, but they were a soul before entering this world. What you want for them or have dreamed they will do or become, may not line up with the their souls path. Joining together in “holy matrimony” does not mean you own each other’s soul, it means you entered a legal and sacred partnership, you each still have your own soul’s purpose in life, and should support this. Your parents happiness and wellbeing (unless incompetent, elderly and cannot care for themselves) are not your responsibility, you did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you certainly cannot change it!
As an Empath (highly sensitive to others energy) I often recite to myself “I am me, and you are you”, or “this is yours, and this is mine”!
My letter ...detaching with love
I do not belong to you, I belong to no one, I have my own soul, my own life, my own mind, body and purpose. I am on my own journey, I walk my own path, I make my choices, I am in control of my emotions, thoughts and actions.
I choose what I want, I can support and protect myself. I am enough, I am allowed to care for myself, I don’t have to do for anyone except for my children, you are not a child, I cannot make you happy, that is your responsibility. I will not let you put your unhappiness on me. It’s not mine.
Your behavior is a result of how you feel about yourself, what is inside of you. I have peace within, and no one can steal that from me, I will protect myself and my self worth.
What I will give you though is space, space to discover healing and peace for yourself. I will also give you compassion, I see you, I see you’re suffering inside, but it’s yours, I cannot and will not take your pain and suffering. Only you can heal yourself.
It is not mine.
Find your unfuckable bubble!
I know, sounds kind of harsh... well after years of taking others pain and suffering, it feels free and powerful to be able to write those words and mean it!
The best thing you can do for someone who is struggling, is help them find their own light and energy within themselves. Some live on the positive energy of others, but one can only live on the energy of others temporarily.
You are doing more harm for them then good. Be mindful and protect your energy, then they will have to learn to fill up themselves, instead of depleting your energy. Giving them the space to find their own energy is a greater gift than giving them all of yours.
Many people in my life have decided to choose recovery and many haven't. As much as I hope others decided to change their lives, it wasn't until I stopped trying to change others and work on the only one I could change and that was ME! When you change everything and I mean everything changes around you.
Self Love
DO YOU!
There is no end to working towards a happy purposeful life. We should never stop educating ourselves ‘, we will spiritually grow for eternity. You can start here today, one day at a time.
This begins with the “self”. The one you can change for the better, the one you can help, the one who can make a difference. YOU, who has given yourself so freely, sacrificed your own happiness, time, love, life and energy for others. It’s time to take back what is yours and let others experience what they are lacking in themselves.
You can choose today to release yourself from the burdens of another, in this you not only free yourself but have given them space within themselves that they now can fill up on their own. We have to take back control, or maybe it's taking control for the first time and take responsibility for the energy we have and for the energy we put out to the world.
Focus on YOU!
I cannot express the importance of SELF LOVE! If you don’t understand what this is or how to obtain this, message me, it’s my souls purpose as a light worker to assist in helping others find self love and connecting to the soul! Show kindness to yourself, learn to forgive yourself, and let go of all that does not serve your soul. Spiritually cleanse your energy field, energy centers (chakras), many of us have an entire lifetime of stored energy that needs clearing.
This can be a difficult, long but empowering process of healing yourself! As you rid of old negative energy and unprocessed emotions, you become lighter, balanced, you will have more energy, you feel and look better, your relationships are healthier, change and growth occur. You can experience the stillness and peace you need to connect with your soul and the Creator, and start living your true path and purpose. We were not put on earth to carry the cross of another’s.
You can still love and support those whose suffer without taking on their issues and making them your own.
Detaching
With love…
You may have heard the term “detaching with love”, this was a hard concept for me to understand at first but once I did, was one of the most powerful tools I’ve ever learned. You emotionally and sometimes even physically need remove yourself, have a safe place, this could be a room in your home or at a family or friends, a place you can practice coming home to the self.
“If someone communicates their boundaries, that is them trying to keep you in their life, not push you away.”
—unknown
You are not detaching from your loved one, but from the disease of addiction, no longer a prisoner to someones else’s pain and suffering. This allows them to take responsibility of there own, or my favorite line let them sit in their own shit!
Have you ever had an argument with someone who has had one to many? To find that they can’t even remember the confrontation the next day.
Choose your battles
Save your energy. Hurt people try to hurt people. Be unfuckwithable! No one can actually make you feel anything, unless you allow them to. As much as we should not take on the energy of others, its important to value and protect your own energy as well. Having clear boundaries is a powerful tool, it will show others that you have self respect and self worth. Weak boundaries will be broken over and over so make them strong and stick to them!
Practice “protection” exercises, for example visual mirrors that face out, that completely surround you. Such visual exercises not only serve as protection but allow another to reflect on themselves.
Learn to “pause” and check in, before engaging. Speak with love and compassion and only from the soul. There are many tools to help you, learn and use them! You are not only changing yourself but your entire life, you become an inspiration of strength and hope to others, as you transform yourself it will not go unnoticed.
It takes patience, courage, it is not easy nor comfortable but if you change nothing, nothing changes.
Support
You’re not alone…
Seek support, AA and Alanon have supported and help addicts, their family and loved ones successfully for years, it feels good to know that someone else is going through the same.
The 12 steps are life changing if you commit to doing the work! If you don’t want to physically go, they have online meetings. Find other support groups! Believe me we’re not alone! Read the “Big “book or other self help books like Codependent no more and other like books.
Seek counseling! My therapist once told me years ago that the majority of her clients more times than not are in therapy because the ones around them who really need the help refuse to help themselves!
Join a yoga class, meditate or receive Reiki, connect with your soul! It can be hard having friendships where your world seems to be upside down, some may even isolate from friends and family, don't let anyone steal your happiness, go be you, do you! Find supportive friends who won't judge.
There is nothing more painful than to watch a loved one suffer, I have been there. I pray that my words have comfort and have encouraged you if even just a little.
Continue to be strong, and find your light within and know you are not alone.
Shanna
Boundaries
Why do we need boundaries and how to put them in action? Having boundaries is vital for your spiritual growth, well being, healthy relationships and in most areas in your life. It's natural to want to help those we love but at what cost?
Without boundaries one can easily be taken advantage of, in many cases it can be difficult to say no to your spouse, parents, child, friend, client or boss, feeling obligated even if it jeopardizes your sanity. With an addict or alcoholic boundaries are not optional, they are a must or you will be lost, codependent, forever trying to change them. It hurts us to see others struggle, and it feels great to know you've been able to help someone. But it is their journey, not yours. Their battles nor their happiness is your responsibility.
We need to surrender judgements and know that you can never control someone or their choices, however you can control what boundaries you set for yourself.
I grew up with the concept of being selfless, give, give and give some more!! When Jesus said if your shirt is taken from you , give your coat, too, I believe that it's not to give all of our self, but to learn to not be attached.
Identify your own suffering
To fully understand why we need healthy boundaries you must identify YOUR suffering and needs. Life can quickly spiral out of control if you are habitually letting the needs of others take priority over your own.
Have you ever wondered, "how did I get here, why am I putting up with this?" Have you become accustomed to allowing others to treat you disrespectfully? Do you find yourself afraid to speak up, say no, offering unnecessary apologies and explanations? Do you feel drained because of the negative energy and sufferings of others? Feeling heavy and often in physical pain due to carrying the weight of everything and everyone around you? Do you often feel that you put out far more than you receive, and it's not appreciated?
This is an awful place to be, and most of us have experienced such on some level. It creeps in over time and becomes routine, leaving one feeling emotionally exhausted, angry, sad, disappointed and defeated.
You’re not alone: https://al-anon.org
Three C's: You didn't cause it; you can't cure it; and you can't control it (referring to the addiction as well as the addict.) Another triple is the three A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
You can now find meetings online at the link above.
Self Love
If the above rings a bell, it's largely due to a lack of self love. You've not been caring to yourself, boundlessly giving and losing yourself to the world. These sufferings are not another's, they are YOURS. It's important to identify and name your emotions. It's completely normal to be upset, angry and sad if someone has treated you unfairly. Ignoring or disregarding your own feelings will cause havoc in your energy field, these unprocessed emotions will store within you, and will unconsciously affect your life. Allow yourself to feel, process and let go!
Empaths and the highly sensitive, find it hard to make boundaries, they have a hard time saying no, and can easily get over involved. They have the gift of sensing the energy of others, which can be a blessing and a curse. When unhealthy they often become codependent. It's so important to learn and use protection tools, like visualizing white light around you, for example and more importantly they need boundaries. Empaths have the desire to save people, the super hero, an healer. Thus can easily leave an Empath drained and unbalanced. Whether your and Empath or not, getting to truly know oneself by practicing self love and self worth and adopting strong boundaries in your life will provide protection and strength for your survival and peace of mind. Just as someone can stand to close to you in your personal physical space, it's the same mentally. We need to create a healthy space for ourself, learning that you can still care and love another without carrying their burdens.
You need to separate or detach from what is not yours. Release yourself from the responsibility to save someone else by turning inward. Releasing the desire to control others and choose to take control of our own lives and what we allow in it. Not what we are willing to tolerate, but what we deserve, what everyone deserves, respect and kindness.
We get use to surviving in a life of chaos. Hijacked by negative thought patterns and toxic loops. Once you start to build self love and worth, you will naturally want seek stillness and peace. Within this new inner strength and care for yourself you will notice the energies around you, taking inventory of what is negative around you, and will want to make space for more love, peace, and happiness.
This involves working inward. If you don't love and respect yourself, others will find it easy to do the same. If you love and respect yourself, you will find others this too will be mirrored.
Setting your boundaries
The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences when people cross them is sitting quietly with yourself and write them down. Set practical and reasonable boundaries and consequences. It can be very difficult and uncomfortable to set boundaries with those you love.
When addressing your limits, try coming from a place of compassion. This should be done face to face. Choose a quiet and private time, you want their undivided attention. Make sure the tone in your voice is serious, having good eye contact so they understand you mean business. You don't need to over explain your boundary, be confident, clear and firm. They may feel as if you're trying to control them, that you are setting rules. On the contrary, you're finally taking control of what is yours, and letting go what is not. Be honest about your beliefs, values and your desire to choose to live a healthy life, mentally, physically and spiritually. Which will allow you to love, forgive and have a deeper compassion for those around you.
Consequences
Your boundaries should be about your needs not theirs and be clear about the action you will take if broken. These consequences can vary, especially if your safety is a concern. Others may not agree with or like your boundaries, that's okay, they are yours! When a boundary is crossed, the first emotion we often feel is anger. Anger is here to protect us from harm and informs us that we need to re-assert our boundary to come back into harmony. It's also your choice to detach from anyone who is treating you disrespectfully or doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Detaching can be physical or mental, taking 10 minutes in a quiet place to meditate, clearing your mind or taking a drive, take what you need. Stay firm and strong, you will find that you are able to stay happy and healthy in most relationships. Take control of your life, learn to say no, and be strong and follow through with reasonable consequences if your boundaries are crossed, weak boundaries do no good, make them strong and be consistent!
They may be reluctant or defensive at first but remember you are not asking anyone to change their lives. You’re asking them to respect that your taking care of yourself, and respecting their need to take care of themselves, they are suffering as well.
If someone refuses to respect your boundaries, for your health and safety you may need to completely remove yourself, allowing both of you to seek professional help and get healthy.
Some are only meant to be in our lives for a season, even our worse relationships can sometimes be our greatest lessons.
Boundaries are not made of walls. They are made of love. The love for ourselves as well as for those we love.
This mountain may seem hard to climb but don't give in, or give up! This will take time, be patient and consistent. Keep going, you'll get there to the serenity on the other side where there is freedom, peace, and the respect you deserve. No longer a victim but a SURVIVOR, and living proof that change is possible and part of the journey!
-Shanna
Reading Suggestions:
Boundaries and Boundaries workbook by Henry Cloud
Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie
Boundaries in an Overconnected world and Where to draw the line by Anne Katherine Facing
Codependency and Breaking Free workbook by Mellody and Miller
Alcohol Anonymous by William G. "Bill W." Wilson
