Why do we need boundaries and how to put them in action? Having boundaries is vital for your spiritual growth, well being, healthy relationships and in most areas in your life. It's natural to want to help those we love but at what cost?
Without boundaries one can easily be taken advantage of, in many cases it can be difficult to say no to your spouse, parents, child, friend, client or boss, feeling obligated even if it jeopardizes your sanity. With an addict or alcoholic boundaries are not optional, they are a must or you will be lost, codependent, forever trying to change them. It hurts us to see others struggle, and it feels great to know you've been able to help someone. But it is their journey, not yours. Their battles nor their happiness is your responsibility.
We need to surrender judgements and know that you can never control someone or their choices, however you can control what boundaries you set for yourself.
I grew up with the concept of being selfless, give, give and give some more!! When Jesus said if your shirt is taken from you , give your coat, too, I believe that it's not to give all of our self, but to learn to not be attached.
Identify your own suffering
To fully understand why we need healthy boundaries you must identify YOUR suffering and needs. Life can quickly spiral out of control if you are habitually letting the needs of others take priority over your own.
Have you ever wondered, "how did I get here, why am I putting up with this?" Have you become accustomed to allowing others to treat you disrespectfully? Do you find yourself afraid to speak up, say no, offering unnecessary apologies and explanations? Do you feel drained because of the negative energy and sufferings of others? Feeling heavy and often in physical pain due to carrying the weight of everything and everyone around you? Do you often feel that you put out far more than you receive, and it's not appreciated?
This is an awful place to be, and most of us have experienced such on some level. It creeps in over time and becomes routine, leaving one feeling emotionally exhausted, angry, sad, disappointed and defeated.
You’re not alone: https://al-anon.org
Three C's: You didn't cause it; you can't cure it; and you can't control it (referring to the addiction as well as the addict.) Another triple is the three A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action.
You can now find meetings online at the link above.
Self Love
If the above rings a bell, it's largely due to a lack of self love. You've not been caring to yourself, boundlessly giving and losing yourself to the world. These sufferings are not another's, they are YOURS. It's important to identify and name your emotions. It's completely normal to be upset, angry and sad if someone has treated you unfairly. Ignoring or disregarding your own feelings will cause havoc in your energy field, these unprocessed emotions will store within you, and will unconsciously affect your life. Allow yourself to feel, process and let go!
Empaths and the highly sensitive, find it hard to make boundaries, they have a hard time saying no, and can easily get over involved. They have the gift of sensing the energy of others, which can be a blessing and a curse. When unhealthy they often become codependent. It's so important to learn and use protection tools, like visualizing white light around you, for example and more importantly they need boundaries. Empaths have the desire to save people, the super hero, an healer. Thus can easily leave an Empath drained and unbalanced. Whether your and Empath or not, getting to truly know oneself by practicing self love and self worth and adopting strong boundaries in your life will provide protection and strength for your survival and peace of mind. Just as someone can stand to close to you in your personal physical space, it's the same mentally. We need to create a healthy space for ourself, learning that you can still care and love another without carrying their burdens.
You need to separate or detach from what is not yours. Release yourself from the responsibility to save someone else by turning inward. Releasing the desire to control others and choose to take control of our own lives and what we allow in it. Not what we are willing to tolerate, but what we deserve, what everyone deserves, respect and kindness.
We get use to surviving in a life of chaos. Hijacked by negative thought patterns and toxic loops. Once you start to build self love and worth, you will naturally want seek stillness and peace. Within this new inner strength and care for yourself you will notice the energies around you, taking inventory of what is negative around you, and will want to make space for more love, peace, and happiness.
This involves working inward. If you don't love and respect yourself, others will find it easy to do the same. If you love and respect yourself, you will find others this too will be mirrored.
Setting your boundaries
The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences when people cross them is sitting quietly with yourself and write them down. Set practical and reasonable boundaries and consequences. It can be very difficult and uncomfortable to set boundaries with those you love.
When addressing your limits, try coming from a place of compassion. This should be done face to face. Choose a quiet and private time, you want their undivided attention. Make sure the tone in your voice is serious, having good eye contact so they understand you mean business. You don't need to over explain your boundary, be confident, clear and firm. They may feel as if you're trying to control them, that you are setting rules. On the contrary, you're finally taking control of what is yours, and letting go what is not. Be honest about your beliefs, values and your desire to choose to live a healthy life, mentally, physically and spiritually. Which will allow you to love, forgive and have a deeper compassion for those around you.
Consequences
Your boundaries should be about your needs not theirs and be clear about the action you will take if broken. These consequences can vary, especially if your safety is a concern. Others may not agree with or like your boundaries, that's okay, they are yours! When a boundary is crossed, the first emotion we often feel is anger. Anger is here to protect us from harm and informs us that we need to re-assert our boundary to come back into harmony. It's also your choice to detach from anyone who is treating you disrespectfully or doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Detaching can be physical or mental, taking 10 minutes in a quiet place to meditate, clearing your mind or taking a drive, take what you need. Stay firm and strong, you will find that you are able to stay happy and healthy in most relationships. Take control of your life, learn to say no, and be strong and follow through with reasonable consequences if your boundaries are crossed, weak boundaries do no good, make them strong and be consistent!
They may be reluctant or defensive at first but remember you are not asking anyone to change their lives. You’re asking them to respect that your taking care of yourself, and respecting their need to take care of themselves, they are suffering as well.
If someone refuses to respect your boundaries, for your health and safety you may need to completely remove yourself, allowing both of you to seek professional help and get healthy.
Some are only meant to be in our lives for a season, even our worse relationships can sometimes be our greatest lessons.
Boundaries are not made of walls. They are made of love. The love for ourselves as well as for those we love.
This mountain may seem hard to climb but don't give in, or give up! This will take time, be patient and consistent. Keep going, you'll get there to the serenity on the other side where there is freedom, peace, and the respect you deserve. No longer a victim but a SURVIVOR, and living proof that change is possible and part of the journey!
-Shanna
Reading Suggestions:
Boundaries and Boundaries workbook by Henry Cloud
Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie
Boundaries in an Overconnected world and Where to draw the line by Anne Katherine Facing
Codependency and Breaking Free workbook by Mellody and Miller
Alcohol Anonymous by William G. "Bill W." Wilson
