As one chapter ends on New Year’s Eve, you turn the page to begin again a new year. Perhaps you begin your new year with a bit of sadness for those who will not be with you physically in the next, maybe you’re feeling grateful as you made it to the finish line of yet another year or you’re excited ready to start fresh with New Year resolutions. It’s a time of reflection of the past and of hope for what’s to come. Time is funny isn’t it, how a memory can seem like yesterday and yet so long ago.
As I reflect on how far I’ve come, I remembered a version of myself, a decade ago or so. Stressed with anxiety, sleepless nights, in physical pain. Always rushing, no time for myself, no self love, no self care, everyone’s everything. I was that yes girl, without boundaries. With little awareness, no sense of self nor sense of soul. I remember feeling like I was spiraling out of control and I was… I had zero control of myself or my life. I felt like I was drowning, and refused to ask for help.
“Suck it up,” I’d tell myself, “put on your happy face and a little makeup and keep going.” I felt as if I was living in that reality tv show ‘The Amazing Race,’ racing to get to the next check point. Yet there was no big dollar reward at the end.
My only retreat was escaping to the bathroom, taking long baths, so long that my fingers and toes would wrinkle. Hiding away as long as I could. Before the screams and cries, “Mom I need this or that…” and knowing undoubtedly soon there will be knocks on the bathroom door, phone ringing, dishes and laundry to be done, diapers to be changed, kids needing to go here and there.
Taking advantage of every second of peace and quiet, I soaked in the bathtub, feeling exhausted. Lost in the stillness and then my tired eyes happen to glance at the orange bottle of Philosophy (brand) bubble bath. It was nothing new, it had sat in the same corner of the tub for many baths before. With curiosity I sat up as my eyes begun to focus on the words on the front of the bottle. I reached for the bubble bath which had become stuck to the tub. Tears begin to hit the now cold bath water, yet a warmth came over me as I read:
“Begin Again. You took the right road and ended up in the wrong place; Begin Again. You reached the top of the mountain only to find yourself at the bottom of a new one; Begin Again. You dotted every ‘i’ and forgot to cross your ‘t’s; Begin Again. You loved with all your heart and it got broken anyway; Begin Again. You won the race but they gave first place to someone else; Begin Again. You followed your North Star and ended up at the North Pole; Begin Again. You achieved a big dream; Begin Again.”
It was such a profound moment, one I will not forget. Life is busy, and surely has its ups and downs. I realized that I needed to slow my roll, cry it out, make space and time for myself, take long baths, long drives home from the grocery store and accept an olive branch, be brave and ask for help, I’m not alone, and either are you.
Slow down, find a moment of stillness each day for yourself, whether it’s to journal, sit outside, talk a walk, read another chapter of a book or maybe just the label on your bubble bath. Had I not found that moment of presence in the stillness? I would had missed this beautiful, lasting message of Divine wisdom that came from my bubble bath.
I know many of you have heard this story, but for those who haven’t, this beautiful experience and it’s message never seems to get old. My hope is that it brings you hope in this present moment and for this year to come, to ‘begin again.’
Happy 2023!
Shanna Vavra
Sense of Soul Podcast